CAGED....feelings journal

I rolled my eyes at him. I immediately saw his muscles tense, the hairs on his hands stood straight and I could only imagine the effect my eyes had on his cock. He bent over the table and in a husky whisper he said ‘’give me a chance please’’.

I was more reluctant at answering him but the rise pitch in his voice was desperate and sincere connoting his unwavering interest in me. He slipped his hand under the table and his hands met mine, I felt the tension as his thumb gently grazed my palm. He drew me closer and kept and eye contact.

‘’I know its still too early to talk about relationships but what the fuck, I really care deeply about you.

He swears just like I do. Another thing we have in common. At least if we ever end up together, I won’t be the bad guy that curses out a lot.  ‘’I’ve had so many women who always assume I’m shallow, he continued. ‘’All they think of is having a fling with me, nobody ever knew how desperately I wanted to be loved and love someone back, but you observed everything about me in just 2 hours of meeting me. Its refreshing to know hopes are not entirely lost. I never stopped thinking about you since we met.

I kept looking at him while he spoke passionately from his heart while tapping on my glass to avoid the panic that was welling up inside me. I loved his sincerity but I couldn’t stand another failed relationship.

I was scared the hatred I had for relationships and all it stood for was beginning to melt, leaving me with such weird feeling of compassion I thought I had lost completely. I watched him surrender entirely to me, not by the words he spoke, but the unspoken words his eyes screamed. Not to mention the tingling sensations his touch ignited in me.

I was smitten by all he said and when he was done, I quickly gulped down my drink and exhaled deeply. I needed all the courage I could muster.

Gently, I withdrew my hands from him and placed them on the table leaving my legs to do the taping. He anxiously waited for my response…

Damn…..he was old fashioned and his ways was already fucking with my brains.

As much as I couldn’t do anything about my past, I had full control as to the present situation. I pushed back the chair I sat on and stood up even though I feared my knees would buckle. I leaned towards the table just in case my legs failed to hold me.

‘’I really can’t be in a relationship right now….Fuck I hated myself for saying this.. I'v had a life time of pain already in such a short period of time I doubt if I will ever survive another heart break. And as for being friends, I fear something may erupt between us because your touch already has a way of making think crazy things that I can’t vouch that we will remain just friends. I'd rather remain in this cocoon of loneliness I've come to accept than allow Love inside.

As I walked out of the room, I felt his eyes following me. I could barely see through the tears that gathered in my eyes. I had to reassure myself that it was the best decision.

I turned back and his eyes met mine. I knew this one was as damaged as I was.

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Would you rather shut the door to relationships or try again and again even though there maybe chances of either getting hurt or finding true love?