The Lady I've Become

- February 27, 2018

I became self aware at 11. At that age, the realities of waking up, making my bed and bathing properly began to set in. At that age all that mattered was play and being accepted by my new friends. Unfortunately that was where I got it wrong. I was more interested in fitting in at all cost even if it meant conforming to a new personality.

At 13 I had evolved into a conforming young girl with a lost identity. Making new friends became a priority and with each new friend came a further twisted identity.

My priorities had changed and my studies suffered. The nonchalant part of me cared less and my parents had no idea what had occupied me.

At this age I got my first bra. Tiny, hard and lemon colored. Mama thought it was best to get me one since my elder sister had just started wearing bra. I vividly remembered that Monday morning when I wore my lemon colored hard bra to school. It was quite uncomfortable and it never made it back to the hostel with me. It slept in my wooden locker which had my name boldly crested on it for weeks. That was my first lesson on timing.

At 15 I had my first "toaster". He looker so much like Craig David and for lack of a better word, he was a perfect definition of a stalker. He was conveniently always by the corner of the street each time I was sent on an errand. He was nice and he said sweet words to me and it felt amazing each time I listened to him. The relationship or rather friendship soon ended. He said I was frigid.

At 16 I was reawakened to self discovery and a paradigm shift took place. I slowly began to discover who I was and more about my sexuality. Dealing with the opposite sex became a problem as I devised a means to run rather than engage. I was young and naive but embracing self discovery in it's proper form.

University days passed so uneventfully and my problems and inabilities became very glaring to me. I lived a monotonous life and I could be described as one of those students who passed through school without the school passing through me. I was fragile and I could hardly speak for my self. Thanks to my best friend who spoke out for me in most cases and helped me through my overly introverted life.

At 23 I had my first relationship which ended before it even started. I wasn't well prepared and I knew someday I'd have to face life all by myself. The real training, research and grooming started.

At 24 independence came upon me. I was working and totally in charge of taking care of myself. At this point I got to know the real me without the mixed influences of acceptance and parental dictations.

I fell in love at 25. I felt so vulnerable and stupid. It was beyond beautiful but It made me feel so open. I enjoyed it while it lasted as it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The relationship lasted for barely five months but in those months I learnt and I cherished ''LOVE''.

In all these I don't fail to forget my roots. I'm a strong black woman who has journeyed to an unknown destination and has remained driven by passion that wells up like a fountain in my belle. I have birthed ideas and vision which has been my drive.

The lessons I learnt growing up has kept me and shown me a better way to conquer life.
I battled low self esteem and over confidence at some points in my life
I was constantly told that I was too ambitious and I would scare any man who comes close away. I actually conformed yet again and sort to please rather than being discovered.
I struggled coping with the opposite sex and embracing my sexuality.

I'm a woman clothed with strength and topped with extra grace. I speak the complicated languages of intelligence and I'm moved by intellectual abilities. I'm a combination of art and science with art speaking volumes in my works. I fold up my sleeves in elan achievements and look forward to a greater course of inspiring and motivating the masses.

I'm a woman who may lack strength but I often put up a facade of an unending strength.
One Word to describe me FEISTY