''Being Single" MEET VICTORIA

EPISODE ONE

Love meant more to me than just being in a relationship. My need to feel something so deep and real kept me off the relationship radar for a long time. Growing up, my father openly made us aware that we weren't supposed to be associated with the opposite sex so the ''Boyfriend'' word was totally off limits. None of us dared talk about it, thinking about it was risky too as my mum could read your thoughts by just looking at you. My first relationship was at the age of twenty-three (23). Prior to then, I've had boys ask me out but I couldn't be in a relationship. I feared boys would get me pregnant and treat me badly. Every association with them lead to one thing: TROUBLE. 

My half-baked mindset was never corrected, however as I travelled the literary world, I saw a different picture of Love and that was the picture I wanted to be associated with. I wrote my own fairy tale and sometimes they had bitter sweet endings. I was far from knowing the real me when it came to association with the opposite sex. I vividly remember the first boy I had a crush on. He attended same church with me and I had  only Sundays to see him. Then every time I saw him, I would either run off or become jittery. One day I was invited for a birthday party and when I got there, I saw him. It was as though Jesus was the chief celebrant. 

I became really uncomfortable, palms all sweaty and my speech became slurry. For some unfortunate reason, the MC called my name and I was asked to make a toast and pray for the celebrant too. I immediately stopped hearing. The world blanked out in my presence and it took two of my friends pulling at me to bring me back to consciousness. After what seemed likes ages of trying to mutter a word and my shyness getting the best of me, I went to take my seat in the most undignified walk. He later walked up to me after the party and asked how I knew the celebrant. Within minutes of his interrogation (as I barely said a word but stood in awe like a zombie combing back to life), he felt I was either a retard or I stammered badly. I'm sure he regretted talking to me as much as I regretted being shy and uncomfortable around boys. 

I also remember my second attempt at flaunting my parent’s rule of not having a boyfriend until we were done with school. I met him when I travelled for a mini school holiday. He was 12 years older than I was and he treated me really nice. He was my first lesson on gift giving and sharing. For every time we saw, he would buy me a gift but he never asked me out. I remember hearing him talk to his friend about me. In his words, ‘’He loved my naivety and how fragile I was’’. I didn't know what those words meant but I felt they were words of admiration until I found out otherwise. We stopped speaking after I went back to school and being in a boarding school, I had no contact with him afterwards.

So, at 23 when I was done with school and the first boy I genuinely liked asked me out, I had mixed feelings. First, I thought I had to get it right the first time, so I thought it thoroughly that I became more logical than being in touch with my feelings. Secondly, I thought everyone had just one chance with ‘’The One’’ once in a life time and if I made a mistake being with a wrong person then it would affect my chance of being with my ‘’The One’’. At this point it was more important for me to stick to the single story of a fairy tale romance than just being in a relationship. Finally, after much back and forth with him, I turned him down and said I was not yet ready for a relationship. Truly I wasn't ready. He quite understood and stuck around as my friend for a long time.

Almost months later, I dabbled into what I thought was a relationship. It seemed more like a favour than actually being a relationship. You see, when someone tells you all about their heart breaks and how they had been unfairly treated in the past. You then decide to take it up as a responsibility to treat them right. Now that’s the scenario for the second relationship. I felt really bad for him and I wanted to make him forget all about his past hurting relationships. I made a whole lot of efforts in making him happy, however I failed to understand that that wasn't what a relationship should be. It shouldn't be based on pity and aiming to wipe an entire relationship history you didn't create.

We kissed one week after the relationship started and it was my first kiss. That was my first time of associating the feelings and tingles I felt to what I've always read in my mills and booms or Danette Chartier books.

Sometimes I could be so shallow and sometimes I could come off as deep. I basked in the momentary feelings I got from kissing him that for the first time I called my friend and told her I just kissed my boyfriend. As the word BOYFRIEND slipped off my lips it felt so strange that I almost chocked. However, it felt good afterwards. I had a boyfriend after so many years of being an adult……